


The Expectations of Simon Lewis

by favefangirl



Category: The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: (it isn't), AU, Alternate Universe, Assumed one-sided relationship, BAMF Maia Roberts, Bisexual Jace Wayland, Childhood Friends, First Person, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Hints of Smut, Jace and Kaelie, Jace and Simon are best friends, Jimon endgame, Jocelyn and Valentine adopted Jace, Love Confessions, M/M, Maia Roberts is amazing, Nerd Simon Lewis, Nostalgia, One Shot, POV First Person, Pansexual Simon Lewis, Sebastian died as a baby, Simon and Izzy are sort of a thing but not really, Simon and Maia are a thing but not for long, Simon's POV, Spin the Bottle, Tags Are Hard, Valentine is good, jimon, um, wtf are these tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-12-21 08:59:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11940747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/favefangirl/pseuds/favefangirl
Summary: Simon is so sure he knows what's going to happen. He's going to get over Jace, their relationship doesn't have to change, and everyone is going to be happy.Life never does live up to Simon's expectations.





	The Expectations of Simon Lewis

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by two fanvids I found on YouTube :
> 
>  
> 
> [one](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiXcrId-Vlw)  
> [two](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2dFP3lOsnw)
> 
>  
> 
> They're both incredible and I 100% suggest checking them out.
> 
> Prompt:  
>  **Simon confessing his feelings to his best friend Jace and freaking out when he realises what he's done  
> **  
>  It's after days of Jace asking him what was wrong, why he was so distant  
> He actively avoids Jace for days afterwards  
> Jace eventually confronts him  
> He babbles on and on about how nothing has to change between them and how he's sorry he said anything  
> Jace says  
> "SHUT UP AND KISS ME."

Her name is Kaelie. She's beautiful, - exactly Jace's type. I know it's just casual sex because Jace hasn't stopped boasting about it yet, but it still hurts. I have no right to be hurt, I should be congratulating Jace, Kaelie is quite the catch. But every time I think about her slender fingers tracing the lines of his body, I want to punch something or throw up, or punch something then throw up.

Jace and I have been best friends since we were in diapers. I'd been friends with Clary since we were both new-borns through forced play-dates during our Moms' coffee mornings, and were usually the only children present at BBQ's and parties - Rebecca always thought that our two year age gap made her so much better than me so she'd never come and play with us. Then when Jocelyn and Valentine adopted Jace - who was _not_ a replacement for the son they lost, that would be _ridiculous_ \- he joined Clary and I and we clicked straight away.

We've been through everything together - puberty, discovering girls, The Age of Acne, first love, first heartbreak. He was there for me when my parents divorced, he held me as I waited at Clary's house whilst they went to custody battle after custody battle until they agreed to share. I was there for him when his dad died, holding his hand at the funeral and falling asleep curled up with him when he begged me not to leave him alone. I was there when Jocelyn re-married and he didn't know how to cope with another new father figure, so we snuck out of the reception with a bottle of champagne and got drunk in the hotel gardens beneath the stars.

I think I was sixteen when I finally realised that I didn't just want Jace to be my best friend anymore. We were at a party at the Lightwood's house. Their parents were out of town, and although the older Lightwood, Alec, was dead set against his, his younger sister Izzy still decided to throw a raging party before the school term started that year. (As soon as Alec's boyfriend, Magnus, showed up, all his arguments seemed to die down).

It was a mess of underage drinking, dancing to music which was blaring too loudly out of the speakers, and stoners smoking weed on the back lawn. Me, Jace, Clary, Izzy, Alec, Magnus, along with a few other kids from school, all decided to set up a game of spin the bottle in the living room. We'd been playing for ten minutes and it was finally my turn to spin. I was hoping it would land on Izzy - we'd fooled around a few times in the past so it'd be familiar. It didn't land on Izzy. It landed on Jace.

The group cheered and whistled. Until now no one had been forced to kiss someone of the same sex (although Alec and Magnus had been making out between spins, but that didn't count). I looked at Jace who appeared a little shell-shocked, looking between the bottle and me with wide eyes, mouth hanging open. I felt a blush creeping up my cheeks and hoped the dim lighting would be enough to hide it.

"I'll just spin again." I said, reaching for the bottle, seeing that Jace's shell-shocked expression was quickly becoming a look of horror.

"No!" Someone said.

"Kiss him!" Said someone else.

"Don't be a pussy."

"Come one!"

"Give us a show."

The crowd was becoming unruly from the mixture of teenage hormones and alcohol running through their bodies. They were shouting over the music, but it was dull noise in my ears as all my attention was on Jace, who was still staring at me. He must have seen the fear in my eyes as he quickly schooled his expression into a friendly smile, and shrugged non-committedly.

"You don't have to listen to them." he said softly, but I still heard him.

I looked around at the assembled group of people and, probably because of the eight shots of tequila and two bottles of beers I'd drank that night, thought screw it. I shuffled over to Jace on my knees, and he watched me with an unreadable expression on his face. Hesitantly, I moved my hands to his neck willing them not to shake. Jace didn't move, so I took that as my cue to get on with it. Slowly, and with a nervous energy I didn't understand at the time why I felt, I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his.

I expected kissing Jace would feel weird, like if I kissed Rebecca, but it didn't. Kissing Jace felt strangely _right_. It was a brief, closed mouth kiss and I was doing most of the work, but it topped anything I'd experienced with Izzy or any other girl for that matter. There were no fireworks exploding in my mind, but there were butterflies going berserk in my stomach. I thought I might throw up.

I realised we'd been kissing too long so I pulled away and snapped my eyes open, trying to figure out just when I closed them, as the crowd roared in a mixture of laughter and wolf-whistles. I snatched my hands away from Jace's neck, and rubbed my sweaty palms on my jeans before knee-walking back across the circle to take my place between Clary and Raphael, a guy who went to the same college as Magnus. Jace was staring at me with yet _another_ unreadable expression on his face (and here I thought I knew everything about the guy).

"I think I'm gonna need a lot more to drink," I mumbled making the circle erupt in yet more laughter.

Jace huffed a laugh of his own and finally looked away, taking a sip of his own beer. Maybe it was a trick of the lights, or maybe it was just my own wishful thinking, but I swear Jace was blushing a little as well. One thing I am sure of is that that was the first night I saw Jace as anything other than the boy I'd grown up with. Suddenly he was hot and muscular, his smirk was suddenly sexy rather than something I was jealous of. Suddenly _Jace_ was something I was jealous of.

Nothing changed for him that night, he went on with his life picking up girls and telling me the not-so-graphic details. Each one was another knife to my heart, another reminder my feelings weren't reciprocated, another sign Jace and I were never going to happen. Round about the eight girl after that night, I decided that I wasn't just going to sit around and hope the world would turn on its axis, and Jace would fall for me like I'd (somehow) fallen for him.

Her name was Maia, and she is still the coolest girl I've ever met. We 'dated' for half a year until I realised that I still wasn't over Jace and it wasn't fair to string her along. We sat down in the coffee shop which had somewhere along the line become Our (capital 'O') place, and I explained to her that we shouldn't be together anymore. I'd expected anger, sadness, tears. I knew from years of friendship with Clary that when strong women break, they shatter. Instead, she smiled.

"You're in love with your best friend," she said, softly, rubbing my arm. "You're in love with Jace."

"I- Yeah." I replied, not sure why I'd felt the urge to hide it.

"I can't say I'm not surprised," she continued, pulling her hand away. "But I get it. We're all attracted to what's beautiful and broken." She looked down at the table and I knew she was thinking of her ex, Bat, who'd died a few years before of cancer.

"I'm so sorry," I said honestly, feeling more and more like an asshole as the conversation wore on.

She shook her head. "No," she smiled again. "No, never apologise for being in love."

She is still the coolest girl I've ever met, and after almost two years since our breakup, we've become good friends. She's who I go to when I want a Blade Runner marathon, or if I need someone chill to talk to. In return I offer her a shoulder to cry one, someone to talk to who will properly listen. I didn't go to her with my Jace drama until she'd started dating again, when I knew she was over it enough to hear it without it being painful.

So that's why I'm on her couch, my head in her lap and my legs bent behind me, feet pressing into the couch arm. She's running her fingers through my hair and a friends re-run is on the TV. I've spent the last ten minutes moping about Jace and his new fuck-buddy, and she sat there listening, occasionally offering a soft 'hmm' or 'yeah' to show she was still listening. Then we both fell into silence to watch (but not really watch) the TV.

"Why don't you just tell him how you feel?" Maia suggests after a few minutes of quiet.

"What?" I reply, shifting to look up at her.

She shrugs and asks, "What's the worst that could happen?"

"He could hear me!" I implore. I see Maia roll her eyes, and turn back to the TV pouting. "I love him, but he's my friend first and foremost. If I tell him and he freaks out..." I sigh. "I can't lose him, Maia, he means too much to me."

I feel Maia's nimble fingers run through my hair again. "You love him," she murmurs softly, "and it's tearing you apart."

I know she's right, but I can't find my voice to tell her that. I know she's right, but I still can't risk him hating me. Loving Jace is ripping my soul apart, tearing my heart to shreds, and leaving me on my knees in the carnage. I know it's no good for me - for either of us, really - but I can't stop. I can't lose the boy who let me ugly-cry into his t-shirt at three AM when I thought I'd never see one of my parents ever again, who didn't care that he ended up covered in snot and tears and saliva so long as I knew he was there for me.

"Love shouldn't hurt," I hear Maia whisper, but I pretend I don't.

 

* * *

 

"Hey, think fast," Jace says as soon as I walk into his kitchen, tossing a tangerine at me.

I don't manage to catch it in time, too distracted by Jace's bare chest, the low slung jogging bottoms and _Kaelie_. She's wearing one of Jace's sweaters (one I got him for Christmas) and a pair of Jace's boxer shorts. Clary is sat on one of the stools at the breakfast bar in her favourite romper glaring at them both as though they've personally offended her, doodling on a notebook and eating what appears to be a bowl of salad.

I pick up the tangerine and throw it back to Jace who's looking at me concerned. "You alright?" he asks as Kaelie wraps an arm around his waist and leans into him.

"Yeah, fine." I lie. I turn to Clary, "You ready to go?"

She looks at how Jace and Kaelie are leaning into each other and pushes her still half full bowl away. "Yes," she replies firmly, grabbing her backpack from by the legs of her stool and pushes past me out the back door.

I throw a quick smile over my shoulder as I follow her out, before closing the door behind me. Clary is already stalking out of the gate, so I have to walk-jog to catch her up, making sure to close the gate behind me. Clary keeps walking even as I catch up to her and says nothing, simply rearranges the backpack on her shoulders until she's comfortable, and blows a strand of red hair out of her eyes.

"Hey," I say. "Earth to Clary? You alright?"

"Fine." Clary snaps, and I'd have to be a real idiot not to know she's lying.

"Come on, Fray, this is me you're talking to. I know you." I press, grabbing her arm to spin and face me.

She looks up at me with sad eyes. "How do you watch him with girls _all over_ him?" she demands. "I mean, they're not subtle about it, they're all over each other."

"Whoa," I say with a slight chuckle. "Are you mad about Jace and Kaelie?"

"Of course!" An old man across the street eyes us suspiciously, but says nothing. "I know how you feel about him, and surely _he_ must know how you feel, but he just flaunts all these girls he's with right in front of your face. I'm furious! He's supposed to be your best friend."

"Whoa," I repeat. "Calm down, Clary. It's alright. I get that he's not into me, and I don't think he knows how I feel about him. It's all alright."

Clary looks at me like I've grown a second head, mumbles something about how I'm so damn stubborn, and begins to walk away again. I try not to, but I can't help thinking that Clary figured out all on her own how I feel about Jace, and Maia managed to connect the dots pretty easily - how long would it take Jace himself to figure it out? Maybe I wasn't as subtle about my feelings as I'd thought. Maybe I wasn't subtle at all.

 

* * *

 

A week later Jace breaks things off with Kaelie and I feel like I can breathe again. I listen like a good best friend as Jace explains why he broke things off - apparently she was too clingy, didn't understand that there was nothing more between them than just the sex - over video games and pizza. I manage not to sound smug or pleased, I manage to act like I feel sorry for Jace, I manage not to draw too much attention, but I can't help but be relieved I'll never have to see Jace and Kaelie together ever again.

Two weeks after that, my whole world crumbles. We're in a coffee shop in town, a building full of brown leather couches and hipster glasses and overpriced drinks. We're both drinking Mochas because that's the only name on the menu board either of us recognised, and talking. It's easy, talking to Jace. He knows what I mean when I stutter and stumble and trip over my explanations, and I know what he means when he answers my questions with a look. It's just easy, and nice.

Until it isn't anymore. Until Jace says, "Are you alright, Simon? You've been really weird recently." I manage to stop myself choking on a mouthful of Mocha. I put the cup down at stare at him as though I've got no idea what he's talking about. "Don't look at me like that. I'm your best friend, I know when something's up, and something is definitely up. Come on, Lewis. Dazzle me."

I scramble for a believable lie, but I know that's useless. He's right, he is my best friend, he can read me like a book. He'll catch onto any bullshit I try and thread him almost immediately, and then I'll be even worse off. I weigh up my options. I could tell him the truth and risk losing him as a friend. I could make some excuse and leave, but there's nowhere else I need to be, and he'll only bring up the conversation some other time. I can't think of any other options.

Maia's words echo in my head. _Love shouldn't hurt - it's tearing you apart - why don't you just tell him how you feel?_ She's been telling me for a while that I should just rip off the band aid, but I've always been so worried about losing Jace that I've never listened. But she's right, love _shouldn't_ hurt, and if being around Jace hurts then I shouldn't do that to myself. Maybe some distance is what we both need.

"Look, Jace," I begin, talking to my coffee cup. "Sometimes... feelings, they... change. Evolve. And it's like... everything seems different than before... people are different."

"Hey," Jace says, kicking me lightly under the table. "What are you trying to say, Simon?"

"Jace, I..." I hesitate, finally looking up at him, his perfect face.

Clary loves drawing her family, and she especially loves drawing Jace. He's always pallets of gold - gold hair and pale gold skin. She draws him beautiful, and I can see here, now, looking at him across coffee as the world as I know it collapses, I can see why. He _is_ beautiful. He's all hard edges and strong lines, but there's a softness to him, in his eyes and in the way his hair falls. He's beautiful here, and I drink in my fill as it might just be the last time.

"Jace, I'm in love with you." I finally say, and it isn't the weight lifting off my shoulders that I thought it would be.

Jace gasps, eyes widening in shock, mouth dropping open. It's almost comical. So very almost. But not enough. He's staring at me like he doesn't recognise me, like he doesn't even know who I am, and I think I might throw up. I expected - I _feared_ \- confusion and repulsion and hatred. It never crossed my mind to worry about indifference - the true opposite of love. The complete lack of care. He's looking at me like he's forgotten all our years of friendship. I'm not the boy who spent weeks wiping his tears when he would allow no one else to see him after Valentine's death, I'm a complete stranger.

"Simon-" he begins, but I'm already grabbing my jacket and backpack.

"I have to go, I'm sorry." I mumble hastily, tripping over myself as I leave the coffee shop and Jace behind me. I wrestle my phone out of my jacket pocket as the bitter air nips at the bare skin on my face and arms. I call Maia and she picks up on the third ring. "I fucked up, I need you." I say quickly.

"Come over," she replies all but a sigh. "We can watch Star Wars while you tell me all about it."

 

* * *

 

I last three weeks before I cave. Jace has been ringing me and texting me non stop, asking to talk, saying he thinks we need to discuss what happened. I put it off and put it off until Maia threatens to talk to Jace for me if I don't do it myself. It's only been three weeks but my heart - the pieces that are left - yearn to be with Jace. Not even as anything more than friends, I just miss him so much.

Knocking on the front door feels strange, but I daren't walk straight in. I have a key on my keychain, but it feels wrong to use it now. Luke answers the door and smiles at me. I smile back as he invites me inside and tells me Jace is upstairs in his room, holding out his hand to take the jacket I'm shrugging off. After his initial qualms about Jocelyn marrying Luke, Jace and him became really close. Luke has always been the main father figure in both of our lives. It's only then that I realize it's not just Jace that I run the risk of losing.

I climb the stairs to the second floor and swear there are three times as many as there used to be. At the same time, I arrive outside Jace's room far too soon. My heart is pounding where it's lodged itself somewhere in my throat, and my lungs almost ache in my hollow ribcage. I've never been this nervous to see Jace before in my life as I knock tentatively on his bedroom door.

"Come in," Jace's voice carries through the door, and with one final, deep breath, I enter the room I've not seen the inside of for too long.

It's still so familiar to me. Neat - bed made, books and DVDs on the shelves above the bed arranged in alphabetical order, clothes folded and put away. The double bed is in one corner of the room with, and next to it is an end table which holds Jace's charging phone, a blue lamp which matches the curtains and the bedsheets, and an alarm clock. There's a wardrobe on the same wall, and a dresser opposite. Jace's TV hangs on the wall above his dresser - where it can be seen perfectly from the bed - with his game system sits on top.

"Hey," I choke out, looking around at the room I grew up in just as much as Jace did.

Jace, who's lounging on his bed reading a music magazine, startles when he sees it's me and sits up quickly. "Hey," he replies, a little too quiet.

I loiter awkwardly in the doorway before making the decision to close the door. Jocelyn, Luke and Clary don't need to hear this conversation. Usually I'd barge right in, throw myself down on Jace's bed and take up as much space in his life as possible. This isn't usually, this is uncharted territory, this is being a stranger in your own home, this is a warm memory feeling cold.

"You, uh, want to sit?" Jace asks, moving to sit so his legs are resting on the floor rather than crossed in the middle of the bed.

I nod, and move to sit next to him, making sure not to touch him. I remember how the outline of his body used to feel pressed against mine. I remember contact from shoulder to ankle as we wasted another sleepy Sunday together. I remember falling asleep as two tangled bodies when we were kids and never thought to wonder what sleeping together might mean. Such an innocent time.

"About what you said-" Jace begins but I cut him off immediately.

"Look, I understand that you might not feel the same." I say, hoping to make it clear that I don't expect anything from him - he doesn't owe me anything. "I get that this might all seem out of the blue, and I've sorry for springing it on you. I completely understand if you want us to spend some time apart, or if you want to cut contact completely. I know this might all make you uncomfortable which I'm really sorry about, but we can still be friends. I don't want out friendship to change because of this or anything -"

" _Simon_ ," Jace all but shouts, the tone of a man who'd been trying to be heard for some time. "Just shut up and kiss me."

I look at him, looking for any signs of a joke, or a lie, or a test, but I see nothing. I just see Jace. Beautiful, funny, kind, Jace. The boy I've known and loved for what feels like my entire life. I don't know what else to do, and I'm aware I've been completely still for too long, so I surge forward and capture Jace's lips with my. I place my hands gently on his neck, just below his jaw, where they had been all those years ago, where they seem to fit perfectly.

I expect another closed mouth, stoic kiss, but that's not what I get. Jace moves one hand to tangle in my hair, giving a single, gently tug before running his hands through my dark locks. His other goes to rest on my hip, keeping my body turned towards him. His lips move against mine in perfect sync, and I cannot supress a shudder of pleasure as he licks at my lower lips, begging to deepen the kiss. I'm too weak to resist.

He eases me backwards onto the best, breaking our kiss to let me get comfortable before he's back on top of me, kissing me, letting me take some of his weight. Or hips barely brush, but I feel my dick twitch in interest and can't help but moan. My hands are still on Jace's neck, angling his head the way I like, almost surprised he's letting me. But Jace's hands are now either side of my head, holding himself up as he brushes our hips together once more, moaning with me this time. I'm struck by the sudden, horrific thought that maybe all Jace wants from me is this, nothing more.

I quickly pull away, and he looks at me with concern in his eyes, mingling with dark lust. "I..." I swallow and lick my lips. "I'm not Kaelie, Jace. I don't just want some friends with benefits thing."

"Good," Jace replies, voice a little husky which goes straight to my dick. "Because I intend to be one of those obnoxious couples that make out in line to the movies and hold hands the whole time. I'm gonna take you on dates and introduce you to people as my boyfriend and make plans with you about college and the future." Jace grins, all teeth and bright eyes. "I'm gonna woo the fuck out of you, Simon Lewis. I'm talking midnight serenades and bouquets of flowers and pulling out your chair and opening your car door."

I let out a breathy laugh and shake my head. "I'm being serious, Jace."

"So am I," Jace replies, suddenly sober. "I love you too, Simon. I always have. I just never thought you felt the same, that's why I didn't say anything. I want to be with you properly, Simon. I promise."

I grin at him them, unable not to, and press myself up to reattach my lips to Jace's. My hands go to his waist as I pull his body down so that we're flush together. I never let myself dream for a second that this could happen, that Jace and I could actually happen, that there was a universe that someone like Jace could be attracted to someone like me - could be in love with someone like me.

I move my hands from Jace's waist to the hem of his t-shirt, and tug on it lightly. Jace pulls away from me long enough to tug the t-shirt over his head, messing up his hair, before leaning back to kiss me again. I let my hands wander the planes of Jace's skin, the hard lines of taut muscle, sensitive nipples, the star shaped scar on his shoulder. I knew Jace when his back was covered in spots he was too embarrassed to show anyone else - it's almost laughable how far we've come.

It soon becomes clear Jace isn't satisfied in being the only one baring skin, as he pulls away again and pushes my plaid shirt off my shoulders. Still not happy, he tugs at the grey t-shirt beneath until I arch my body enough for him to pull it off. He looks down at me with pupils blown wide with lust, drinking in my body. I'm nowhere near as muscular as he is, but I'm toned enough. He runs a hand across my abdomen, before replacing his hand with his mouth, trailing hot kisses across my stomach, over my chest, up my neck, back to my panting mouth.

Jace's hand is just travelling south to the zipper on my jeans when the door swings open, and Jace pulls away quickly. I scramble to sit up and find Clary staring at us both, shocked. "Mom wants to know if Simon's staying for dinner," she says, her shocked expression twisting into a smirk. "I'll tell her you're not hungry," she says before leaving the room, closing the door behind her.

Jace and I look at each other with identical panic stricken expressions, before we both burst into laughter. Jace leans forward and presses his face into my neck, his giggles vibrating against my pulse point. He wraps his arms around me, so I do the same enjoying the feeling of him being so close without having to fear what any of it means. We'll have to tell everyone properly eventually, but for now we have this and we have each other, and that's all I've ever wanted.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading everybody!
> 
> Basically, last night at, like, half eleven I decided I wanted to write a quick, short one-shot. At quarter past one this morning, I finished writing this. Yup, quick and short alright.
> 
> I absolutely adore Jimon as a couple, I think they're so snarky and sarcastic that they're perfect for each other. Also, the alternate universe version from, like, season one of Shadowhunters got me wondering what it would be like if they'd been best friends forever. I mean, that handshake would have taken years to perfect.
> 
> Like, I said, this is inspired by fanvids I watched. I've discovered that one of my favourite things about Jimon fanvids is that the scenes where Jace is looking longingly at Clary can be changed contextually and suddenly he's staring longingly at Simon. It just makes me happy - what can I say, I'm easily amused.
> 
> Thanks again for reading, if you're feeling lovely you could leave a kudos or a comment on your way out. If you want to!
> 
> If you want to message me my Instagram is Favefangirl and my Tumblr is [nebulous--bounds](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/nebulous--bounds) I'm more than happy to answer any questions, maybe fill any prompts or just generally converse with you lovely people. Be sure to follow me, too, if you want! I'm mostly multi-fan and I blog a lot about writing (especially on Tumblr). You can also follow me on Pinterest [here](https://www.pinterest.co.uk/Favefangirl/)
> 
> Thanks again, again, again for reading. Have a lovely day!


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